I guess I haven’t really been writing a lot lately. Which I guess is a bit unlike me. (and I guess I always start my post with ‘I guess’)
It’s not that I don’t like writing anymore, or photography. It’s just that life has kind of been a lot to handle lately.
I am used to having a lot of ‘me-time’, you know when nobody wants you to do something and you yourself don’t really need to do something. It’s what moms talk about when they get a manicure and thus flee from their children.
But that’s not what I want to discuss today. What I do want to discuss is feeling pressured. At times, I feel a bit unhappy because of this confusing feeling, especially when the ‘busy-ness’ of my life kicks up a notch. Do you?
In the last 7 days, I took 11 tests. Which I think is pretty ridiculous considering the fact that these tests weren’t, you know, little tests (when I use you know, you know I really can’t think of a different way to put it). They were even called exams.
Whenever I prep for a test, I make sure I do pretty much anything I can. I do the extra exercises, I redo exercises I found difficult the first time around and I study until I can bloody tell you the definition of a ‘chloroplast’ at 2 am. Not kidding.
And yet, I found myself not being able to answer a couple of questions on my maths test. I also struggled with questions on other tests, but I won’t bore you with them. You see, the thing is, I know that I know exactly what I didn’t know/ wasn’t sure about.
But why, why do I remember those annoying, difficult questions (they were to me anyway)? It’s because I care. My grades are ridiculously high, so they can only go down really. Teachers literally tell me I should get a perfect 10 (no mistakes). And teachers also encourage me to pass my exams ‘cum laude’. If you’re still in school, do they do that at your school too?
Taking all of those things in account, which I do in my head, it’s scary to me. Why can’t I just be an average student? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier then, if I would be happy with a grade that isn’t a 9 or a 10? But that’s like the opposite of what I want too, so I’m kind of stuck.
There’s another question I keep asking myself: Did I forget about my true interests whilst I was pushing myself to like everything? Let me explain this one though: I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I need to choose what I want to with it, with my life I mean. I need to think about what I want to study, and I find that very difficult, since I like so many different topics. At first, I thought about going to a university college. But I don’t think that will make me happy either, since I would basically postpone making a decision.
So, now that I’ve decided I want to make a choice, I’m asking myself: What are my true interests? And then, every single time, I find out I don’t really know what those are and the question above pops up.
I expect things, certain grades in particular, from myself, and I think others do too.
How does one deal with expectations?
A Young Mademoiselle
PS Please don’t think I’m always sad about the fact that my grades are good, I usually am very pleased with them. I actually think I am a bit too happy about my grades sometimes. But I won’t get into that today.
PPS Grades are so weird, they’re literally numbers that apparently affect me (and others, right?) quite a bit.
PPS By now I actually got a couple of grades back, and so far, so good.